(Editor’s note: This is written as a satire, so Disney can’t sue me!)
As we enter the corral of “West Distant’s Enchanted Beefy Room,” we are surrounded by the ghosts of the Old West as they appear in their Cactus form.
While waiting here, we’re invited to purchase one of Old Dole’s whips, made from real cowhide leather. Not much to drink here except for water from the trough, filled with a bucket from a nearby well. A bit uncomfortable too, as we have to get down on our knees and lap it up just like a horse or a cow.
The building appears to be an old barn. The corral is all dirt, just like found at any ranch. Mixed in with the dirt are bits of hay, horse apples and cow manure, leaving us with the delicate aroma normally found here.
A voice can be heard from one of the cactus plants that looks like an Old West cowboy.
“My name is Shadow, cowboys call me the shorty one. I am scorched from the sun and haven’t a clue what time it is. I’m so short I don’t have a shadow at all, so cowboys can’t get a clue as to what the time of day is.”
A voice pops up from another cactus shaped liked a donkey.
“Howdy partner, I am an ass. I don’t dance, I don’t move, but I’m part Agave, so if you drink my nectar after it is made into Tequila, I might give you a head ache! Just like the one I got from closing down the bar last night.”
A large withered-old cactus speaks up.
“Me Mongo. No one good to me. Me once star in movie. My thorns so dull, animals use me for a clawing post. Now just old and no longer cactus in game of desert.”
A large Saguaro suddenly speaks.
“I am Hot Mama. I’m the babe of this here garden. I like to tease my husband, Tiny Papa.”
A small cactus next to the large Saguaro starts shaking.
“Yes, she does, but I like it, even when she’s sticking it to me.”
The hay bale hanging from the loft starts to sway, as the old windmill starts to turn – even though there is no wind at all. The windmill speaks.
“I am windmill, without me there would be no water in this dry forsaken place.”
The Hay Bale speaks.
“Without water, there would be no hay, then no ranch, no corral. That wouldn’t bother me at all, I’m tired of hangin’ around up here. I think I’ll fall down on all the folks standing around in the corral.”
A cowboy comes out from inside the barn, firing his six-gun into the air.
“Okay, that’s the last straw Hay Bale, there’s been enough complainin’ out here in the corral. Time for me to round up these folks and git them on into the barn for the show.”
No automatic doors here, the cowboy has to swing open the barn doors, which creak due to the lack of grease in these here parts.
“Cowboys and cowgirls! Come on in for a rootin’ tootin’ show of fun western and prairie songs in West Distant’s Enchanted Beefy Room!”
As people enter the barn, they’re directed to sit on a variety of saddles, hitching posts or the floor. Most would rather stand then sit on the dirt floor where there is a mixture of, well you know…
Above everyone, in the darkened rafters of the barn, can be seen some distinct shadows of what appear to be cows.
The room lights dim, one light is shined onto the floor, the cowboy cracks a whip as he steps into the pool of light.
“Yee haw, cowboys and cowgirls. Are y’all ready for a really moovin’ show?”
He looks around the room, expecting a response. Getting none, he cracks the whip again.
“I said YEE HAW! Y’all ready for a rootin’ tootin’ udderly moovin’ show?”
Everyone yells “Yee haw,” aided by the sound system recording of a western crowd saying, “Yee haw!”
“Well let’s get this rodeo started. I don’t want to start a stampede for the door, so let me quietly wake up Josie.”
The cowboy cracks his whip up in the air on one side of the room. Snoring, that almost sounds like mooing, is heard.
The cowboy gets out his six-gun, fires it and cracks the whip again.
“Get along there Josie, it’s show time!”
A light is shined on a bull sitting in a saddle swing above the audience. He slowly opens her eyes, stretching her hooves and looks around.
“You’re not Josie. Where’d she go Ralph?” asks the cowboy.
In a distinct Brooklyn voice, he responds, “She’s out on the range. What are you bothering me for, Pardner? Can’t you see I’m sleepin’?”
The cowboy responds, “These here city folks came for a show. Looks like you’re gonna have to do it.”
“Hey, I’m sleeping here,” Ralph says in his New York accent. “I’m going back to sleep.” He starts to close eyes. The cowboy draws his gun and aims it at Ralph.
“Don’t make me come up there and send you out with the herd, get a move on ya little dogie,” says the cowboy.
“Who you calling dogie, you’re not even a real cowboy!” says Ralph.
“And you’re not a real bull, you’re a robot” says the cowboy.
Ralph snorts.
“Now get moovin with the show,” says the cowboy.
“All right, all right,” says Ralph as he looks around at the audience.
“Look at all the people staring at me, they must know a handsome bull when they see one.”
“Ralph, the show?” says the cowboy.
“Yeah, yeah, yeah. Howdy pardners, welcome to West Distant’s Enchanted Beefy Barn. Who the heck came up with that name?”
“Ralph.”
“Well it’s corny. Okay, let’s rustle up the others. Hey Sigfried, wake your tired leather encased body up, we gotta put on a show!”
Sigfried yawns and stretches. “Whoa, good thing I woke up. Look out below folks.”
There is the sound of a fart. The cowboy cracks his whip.
“False alarm,” says Sigfried. “Okay, okay, I’m moovin. Hey Dingus, stop chewin’ that cud and let’s get goin.”
Dingus chomps on his cud, then stops as the light shines on him. “Hold on a second.” He swallows his cud. “I wish I’d already swallowed that cud. Hey! There’s supposed to be four of us, where the heck is Jubal?”
The sound of a barn door opening and closing can be heard, along with a loud “Moo!” and what sounds like bull hoofs walking into one of the stalls.
A young male voice responds. “He’s sleeping off yesterday’s stampede, so I’m covering for him.”
Ralph snorts and says, “Who are you?”
The young bull says, “I’m Yippee, the intern.”
All the other bulls snort in derision.
Ralph says, “This is a lot of bull.”
Sigfried says, “Be careful folks, we’re stepping in it now.”
Dingus says, “Come on guys, give him a chance. There’s people watchin.’”
Sigfried says, “Isn’t he your nephew?”
Dingus says, “My son, one of 30.”
Ralph says, “Now who’s bragging?”
The cowboy stomps in, “Hey, let’s get a moovin with the show!”
Ralph says, “All right, all right. Let’s round up the rest of the herd. MOOO!”
Lights come on around the barn, highlighting a variety of western critters. In several stalls are a variety of horses. Some sheep are in another pen, and a billy goat stands atop a barrel. There are a couple of raccoons, startled, as they were caught dipping their hands into a barrel of feed. Some owls hoot up in the rafters, and in large vases attached to posts out pop the heads of some rattling rattlers.
Ralph yells out, “Yee haw, hit it!”
Everyone starts singing.
“In the beefy, beefy, beefy, beefy, beefy room, in the beefy, beefy, beefy, beefy, beefy room.”
Ralph sings, “All the bulls will yodel,”
Sigfried sings, “And the horses will neigh!”
Everyone, “In the beefy, beefy, beefy, beefy, beefy room.”
Ralph sings, “Welcome into our smelly old barn, you stupid city folk you. If we weren’t inside our smelly barn, we’d be out in the fields with them female cows.”
Dingus says, “Hey there’s a kid here.”
Zippy says, “I know what he’s talkin’ bout.”
Sigfried starts the chorus again.
“In the beefy, beefy, beefy, beefy, beefy room, in the beefy, beefy, beefy, beefy, beefy room.”
Ralph sings, “All the bulls will yodel,”
Sigfried sings, “And the horses will neigh!”
Everyone, “In the beefy, beefy, beefy, beefy, beefy room.”
Suddenly a triangle rings, interrupting the singing by the bulls. A large parrot appears in the hay loft.
The parrot says, “What the hell is going on in here? I thought I was flying north to be in a Tiki room review, somehow I ended up in this roundup – in a barn full of bull.”
Ralph says, “That’s bulls and we don’t take no manure.”
Everyone sings, “In the beefy, beefy, beefy, beefy, beefy barn.”
The music ends with a flourish.
“Now I’ve heard it all,” says the parrot. “Watch out for the Tiki gods,” he says as he flies back out.
“Tiki gods?” asks Zippy.
“Wrong show,” says Dingus.
“Time to bring in the girls!” says Ralph.
All the bulls moo together.
“Let’s herd them in here,” says Sigfried.
“We can’t,” says Ralph. “They have to come in from above.”
The ceiling opens up.
“I sure hope that’s a big crane,” says Dingus.
“Oh yes,” says Zippy. “I calculated the weight of the cows, added in a 20 percent factor for udder stuff. We should be safe.”
A large chandelier structure with several female sheep on it lowers into the center of the barn.
“What happened to the cows?” asks Ralph.
“They were too heavy, so I asked the Ewes to sub in,”
“Sheep,” says Dingus with disgust.
“Yeah, well baa to you too,” says one of the sheep.
“We don’t mean to bleat in on your show, but we wanted to pull the wool over your eyes,” says another sheep.
“Where’s a sheep dog when you need one?” asks Sigfried.
There’s a bark from a dog house in the corner, followed by a snore…
“I guess we’re stuck with them, hit it girls,” says Ralph.
The sheep start singing.
“Let’s all yodel like cowboys do. Baa, baa, baa, baa, baa, baa.”
“Hold it,” says Dingus. “That’s not yodeling, did you lose your way?”
“Baa, baa, baa,” sing the ewes.
“That sounds like a boy band,” says Sigfried.
The girls continue…
“Let’s all yodel like cowboys do.”
The sheep dog sticks its head out of the doghouse. “Howl, howl, howl, howl, howl, howl!”
The Parrot flies back in.
“What the hell is all that racket?”
Zippy pipes up, “Well we had to put sheep on the thing in the middle as the cows were udderly too heavy, and they’re not singing the yodeling the right way. Then the sheep dog tried to help…”
“Yee gads, what a mess,” says the parrot.
“Are you talking about the song, or the floor of the barn?” asks Ralph.
“Both,” says the parrot.
“We can yodel if that’s what you want,” says one of the sheep.
“Yeah, we want to get paid too.”
“Paid?” asks Ralph.
“Yeah, I had to promise them we’d pay them to perform,” says Zippy.
Everyone stares at each other in awkward silence.
Sigfried pipes up, “I suppose we can give them some feed.”
“What are you trying to do, fleece us?” says one of the sheep.
Ralph sighs. “No. But since you’re here, go ahead and sing it the way you want.”
The sheep continue.
“Let’s all yodel like cowboys do. Baa, yodel, baa, yodel, baa yodel. Take your cue from the sheep, now you all do what you want. Baa, yodel, baa, yodel, baa, yodel.”
Suddenly some Tiki Gods up in a corner light up in anger and pound some drums.
“Hey, how’d we get some Tiki Gods in here,” asks Sigfried.
“I think they’re leftover from that Disney show,” says Ralph.
“Oh.”
The Tiki Gods start to chant. There is a clap of thunder, then the wind starts howling. A tumbleweed is seen tumbling across the prairie through the window.
All sing, “See them tumbling down….”
At that point it starts to rain outside, but the barn leaks and water comes down inside.
They change songs. “We’re singing in the rain. Just singing in the rain.”
The parrot flies in again.
“Flash flood coming!”
Water comes crashing through the door, carrying all the humans out with it.
“I guess that’s the show,” says Ralph.
“Yep,” says Sigfried.
“I wonder where the people went?” asks Dingus.
“Let’s get out of here and find us a few of them cows!” says Ralph. All the lights go dark.
THE END
